Spoilers: Dead Irish Writers
WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex., Piven,
Borgenicht, and Worick, Quirk Productions, Inc. 2001 It all belongs to them. J
Donna stretched her legs out in front of
her and raised her arms above her head before standing. Josh was still hunched
over his desk as he waded through the mountain of reports he had to get through
before his meeting on the hill Monday morning.
“I’m getting a drink. Want one?”
Josh looked up and smirked at her.
“You offering me coffee, Donnatella?”
“I’m offering to walk the five feet
to the fridge and get you a bottle of water. Besides, it’s 9:10 and I’m
taking a break.”
“But Donna, this needs to get done.”
“And it will. I’ve been here since
6:15 this morning, Josh. I’m tired. My back hurts. I only had a granola bar
for supper and I’m taking a break. Do you want a bottle of water or not?”
“Okay. Thanks.” Donna’s lips turned
up in a small smile as she walked across his office in her bare feet. Her shoes
had long been forgotten. It was a Saturday night so most of the West Wing was
empty. Toby had finally left, after driving them both crazy bouncing his ball on
any surface he could come in contact with. Donna finally threw a wad of paper at
him before slamming Josh’s office door. That’s where the two of them had
been for the past three hours. Josh at his desk and Donna on the floor. She
worked better on the floor. She knew Josh would join her after a while anyway.
Donna returned from the small adjoining
room with two bottles of water and a container of yogurt.
“Thanks.” Before she could sit back
down his phone rang. Donna shifted her yogurt to her other hand and answered his
“Josh Lyman’s office.” She nodded
her head in response to what the other person was saying and then held the phone
out to Josh.
“Amy.” Josh looked at the phone like
he was being offered a snake.
“Tell her I’m busy.”
“What?” Donna looked at him in
disbelief. He normally leapt at the phone when she called.
“I don’t want to talk to her. Just
get rid of her.”
“Oh…okay.” Donna took a deep breath
and started to speak. Before she could get the words out, Amy was screaming in
to the other end of the phone. Apparently she forgot to put Amy on hold. As
Donna listened to Amy vent her anger toward Josh, she started to open her yogurt
and take a few bites.
“I see. Well, I’d prefer if you would
tell him that.” Donna rolled her eyes and thrust the phone at Josh.
“Here. I’m not fond of being cussed
out by your girlfriends.”
Josh stared at the phone in his hand for
a minute before placing it to his ear.
“Yeah.” Donna laughed a little around
her spoonful of yogurt as Josh jerked the phone away from his ear.
“I thought I made myself clear the
other night. We’ll hire who’s most qualified because of their actual
qualifications not because they posses a ‘Y’ chromosome!” Donna’s
eyebrows arched at the tone Josh was taking with Amy.
“If that’s the way you
feel…..fine…..fine…..you know what, let’s just do this.” Josh took a
deep breath before dropping the phone back in its cradle.
“What just happened?” Josh looked at
the phone for a minute before scrubbing his hands across his face.
“I just broke up with Amy.” Donna
stared at him in disbelief for a moment and then smiled.
“Okay.” Josh met her eyes and matched
“Okay.” He stood up and twisted the
kinks from his back.
“You okay?” Donna tried to hide her
immense pleasure with a concerned look for Josh.
“I guess. I’m not really that upset.
Is that bad? I mean shouldn’t I be upset?” Donna sat her empty yogurt
container on the edge of Josh’s desk as she stood up.
“I’m not sure.” Josh watched as
Donna walked out of his office and retrieved something from her desk drawer. She
tossed a small book at him and grinned.
“Here. You look like you need this more
than I do.” Josh turned the book
over and stared at the cover.
“Where the hell did you get this?”
“It’s my roommates hysterical idea as
a going away present.”
“You’re going away?!” Panic had
seeped into his voice. After Donna had been offered the job with that start-up
company, he had been a little nervous.
“No, idiot. She moved out two days ago.
I told you that.”
“Oh. You did?”
“So she gave you ‘The WORST-CASE
SCENARIO Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex.’?”
“Kandi thinks she’s funny
sometimes.” Josh started flipping through the pages.
“And I need it more, huh?”.
“Apparently.” Donna smirked
“Does it have a section on how to spot
a gomer?” Now it was Josh’s turn to smirk.
“Considering I haven’t had a date
since, oh, October. I don’t much need it.” The office fell silent for a
moment once Donna had realized what she said.
“Shut up, Josh.” Josh walked around
the edge of his desk and motioned for her to sit down next to him on the floor.
The fact that Donna just admitted she was never actually dating a lawyer for the
past few weeks dramatically lightened his mood.
“So what’s in here?”
Donna settled on the floor next to him
and looked over his shoulder as he flipped through the book.
“Lots of valuable information. Would
you like me to get you a notepad so you can take down a few notes?”
“You’re a regular comedian,
Donnatella. ‘How to Tell if Your Date is an Axe Murderer’? good God Donna.
What kind of book is this?” Josh laughed.
“Look at this one.” Donna took the
book from him and started flipping through the pages. “Here. Read that.” She
pointed to the page that stated the caption, ‘How to Escape From a Bad
“How many times have you used that
one?” Josh smirked as Donna pouted.
“Maybe a little later.” The two of
them sat in silence for a few minutes while they flipped through the book. Josh
flipped to a page and Donna poked him in the side.
“Can you do that?” Donna pointed to
the caption as Josh read it aloud.
“’How to Remove Difficult
Clothing.’ Donna, it’s showing how to remove a bra with one hand.”
“Of course.” He leaned a little
closer to her and dropped his voice an octave.
Donna felt her face flush with heat and tried to control her voice when
“Well, so can I.”
“It’s more impressive when I say
“You’re so smarmy.”
“It’s all part of the charm.”
“Speaking of charm, I wonder how many
of these you’ve used.” Donna held the book a little closer to her as she
read a few of the ‘Pickup Lines to Avoid.’
“Oh here’s a beauty. Josh, are your
legs tired? Because you’re been running through my dreams all night. Blech!”
Josh laughed at the face she made and then took the book away from her again.
“Let me see that. Oh I bet this one’s
worked on you a few times. ‘I have cable TV’. I bet that just makes you
swoon, huh Donna?” Donna couldn’t help but giggle at the way Josh was
wiggling his eyebrows at her. They must be tired. This was becoming way too much
fun. Donna leaned back against the desk while Josh stretched his legs out in
front of him. He slid his shoes off so he and Donna were now in their stocking
“Here’s a classy one. I may not be
Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!”
Donna snorted with laughter as Josh
flipped the page again. “Oh this is great.” Josh turned to look at Donna and
with his best seductive voice he used another line on her.
“My name is Josh. Remember that;
you’ll be screaming it later.”
As much as Donna loved their close
proximity, she couldn’t help but throw her head back as she cackled.
“That is awful!”
“That’s why they’re lines to avoid,
“Here, let me see it.” Donna took the
book from him again and scanned the table of contents.
“Maybe I should read this one the next
time you decide to show up at my place at two in the morning.”
“’How to Sober Up Fast’, very funny
Donnatella. Here’s one for you. ‘How to Deal With a Bad Kisser’. You’ve
probably had to deal with that a lot.”
“So have your dates.”
“Oh, not likely.”
“Maybe all your dates have read the
“I’m not a bad kisser.”
“Whatever you say.”
“I’m not. I’m a great kisser.”
“Well I’ll just have to take your
word for it, now won’t I?”
“How can you think I’m a bad
kisser?” Josh was getting into competitive mode, Donna could tell by his eyes.
She decided to have a little fun with him.
“I have no idea what kind of a kisser
you are Josh. I’m sure you can kiss okay.”
“Okay? Just okay?! I can kiss your
“See, right there tends to make one
believe you’re not that great a kisser. I would think that my socks would be
the last thing you’d want to kiss off me.”
“I’m a great kisser Donna. It’s
been confirmed.” Josh turned to face Donna with a defiant smirk.
“Really. Lindsay Martin. Ninth grade.
She even wrote homage to me in my yearbook.”
“Lindsay Martin? Ninth Grade?”
“That proves nothing. I thought Ben
Whitesides was the best kisser on the planet until I had something to compare it
too. Turns out, he wasn’t so great.”
“So you’re saying Lindsay had nothing
to compare me to?!”
“Ninth grade was a long time ago
“Fine. Let’s go.” Josh stood up and
reached out for Donna’s hand.
“What?!” Donna looked at him like
he’d lost his mind.
“I’m gonna prove to you I’m a great
“Are you crazy?!”
“I won’t be disparaged, Donna. This
is my manhood you’re talking about.”
“What? We never discussed your manhood
Josh. Personally, I don’t want to know who has paid homage to your manhood.”
Josh reached down and took her hand and pulled her to her feet.
“I’m a great kisser. Phenomenal. A
kisser among men!”
“You kiss men?” Donna laughed.
I just…Shut up. You knew what I meant.”
“Do I?” Donna stood face to face with
Josh with a grin plastered on her face. She wished she still had her heels on.
Without them she was a few inches shorter than Josh and couldn’t look him
directly in the eye. His face was getting red and she could tell she had
succeeding in getting him totally flustered.
“That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy.
I’m proving it.” Before Donna could react, Josh grabbed her by the shoulders
and planted a kiss firmly on her lips. They both stood frozen for a moment when
the reality of the situation hit them. Josh pulled back just a fraction on an
inch. Donna’s eyes were wide with shock. She seemed to be holding her breath.
Josh allowed his hand to slip down to her waist.
“Donna.” He whispered.
“Josh?” Her breath tickled his face
and he couldn’t help himself. He pulled her to him again and this time the
kiss was slow and tender. Josh deepened the kiss when he felt Donna’s hands
threading through his hair. Flicking his tongue across her upper lip, he sought
entry to her mouth. His tongue swirled with hers as the two of them clung to
each other in the middle of his office. Neither of them heard his office door
being pushed open.
Donna jolted away from Josh and stared
wide-eyed at Leo McGarry standing in the doorway.
“Leo!” Josh yelped.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Josh’s face paled and Donna felt as if she were going to throw up.
“We…uh….I….she….” Leo turned
to leave. Before he left the doorway, he called over his shoulder.
“It’s late. You and Donna should be
home by now.” The small smile that flickered across Leo’s face wasn’t lost
on Josh. Donna stood rooted to the floor with a confused look on her face. Josh
took a deep breath and stepped closer to her again.
“I told you I was a great kisser.”
“Let’s go home Donna.”
“Yep.” Josh reached out and took her
by the hand. He slid his shoes back on his feet and picked hers up from the
“What just happened?”
“I’m not really sure.”
“Okay. Just checking.” Donna let Josh
lead her out to her desk to get her coat. Before exiting the bullpen, she held
the book out to Josh again
“Are we going to try page 116?”
Josh flipped through the book
“’How to Detect a Real Orgasm.’ Oh
most definitely.” He took her by the hand and led her to his car.
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